Whose Last Supper? An Interview with Maus von Trapp, Ph.D.

[this is an MFA writing assignment asking for 500 words on how something works]



Zoophobia is the deathly fear of spiders, insects and dare I say it… rodents! I’ve conquered my zoophobia with confrontation therapy using, or trying to use, mousetraps. However, after sustaining numerous, albeit non-life-threatening, mousetrap-induced injuries caused by my klutzy “peanut-butterfingers,” I developed machinaphobia, Greek for fear of machines.

Phobia confrontation worked for me in the past, so to cure myself of machinaphobia, I tracked down and interviewed the man who invented the dreaded modern mousetrap, Professor Maus von Trapp. He’s of the famous von Trapps featured in the movie, Sound of Music.

The Interview (over veinerschnitzel supper at Bridgett’s German Restaurant, Yucca Valley, California)

Fuchs: Herr Doctor, what prompted you to invent the modern mousetrap?

von Trapp: Cats! Back in olden days, everyone used cats to eradicate mice and believe me, we had plenty of cats. You might as well have renamed Deutschland “Katzland.”

Fuchs: I don’t understand. What’s wrong with using cats?

von Trapp: I’m allergic to cats!

Fuchs: I see. So you kind of had to invent a “better mousetrap,” so to speak?

von Trapp: Scheisse! I hate that expression! How would you like it if everyone tried to improve your invention? You don’t hear millions of people trying to improve the wheel, do you? In fact, only a fool would reinvent the wheel.

Fuchs: Indeed. Well, we have only 294 words left, so could you please describe the parts of a mousetrap?

von Trapp: Yes, my invention consists of a:

1) platform/wooden base plate
2) holding/locking bar
3) bow/hammer (spring loaded)
4) spring (attached to the bow/hammer), and
5) bait plate with top-mounted clasp/latch

Fuchs: How do you set the trap?

von Trapp: Apply peanut butter (the “last supper”) to the bait plate. Move aside the holding/locking bar. Carefully pull back the spring-loaded bow/hammer until it touches the platform/wooden base. Hold it in place with your thumb. Pull the holding/locking bar over the bow/hammer until it reaches the bait plate. Then ever so gingerly engage the end of the holding/locking bar to the bait plate via the clasp/latch (located on top of the bait plate).

Fuchs: Oh my God, that sounds very, very scary.

von Trapp: The mouse isn’t scared at all, the trap doesn’t appear predatory to a mouse.

Fuchs: I meant to me.

von Trapp: Check please!

Fuchs: I was, uh, only kidding. Do continue. We have 105 words remaining.

von Trapp: The mouse nibbles at the peanut butter on the bait plate. Its movement disengages the holding/locking bar from the clasp/latch atop the bait plate, thus releasing the spring-loaded bow/hammer. Traveling at nearly 500 miles per hour, it slams shut in 1/18000th of a second; even the fastest mouse hasn’t a chance. To put it in human terms, say a missile followed your car. By the time you glanced at your rear view mirror, you’d be dead.

Fuchs: That’s reassuring. Well doctor, Dankeschön.

Von Trap: Auf Wiedersehen! And young man, get some help.

Driving home from Yucca Valley

That seemed to work; I’m now machinaphobia-free and enjoyed a wonderful supper... What? What’s that? A flash of light in my rear view mirr....